“Do you love yourself?” my coach asked me as we were wrapping up our weekly call. As someone who’s always felt confident and self-assured, I answered quickly: “Of course. I know I’m smart, successful, attractive.’” She smiled and responded kindly, “That doesn’t sound like self-love.”
As long as I can remember, I’ve been into self-improvement. I used to go to Barnes & Noble after church on Sundays as a teenager and head straight to the “self-help” section to explore books on productivity and finding my purpose.
I was one of those kids with so much “potential” that I was afraid I’d somehow waste it. I recently re-read my New Year’s resolutions from high school, and they only included things I thought I needed to improve on: “Be grateful, help my family, work out every day, don’t be critical, do everything with full potential.” Even though I truly believed I was made up of pretty good stuff, I always felt like I could be doing better.
“Even though I truly believed I was made up of pretty good stuff, I always felt like I could be doing better.”
That drive to improve eventually evolved into something more spiritual. Whether it was manifestation, astrology, human design, Kabbalah, inner child or shadow work — you name it — I’m close to expert level in my understanding of these systems and can even give you a pretty good chart reading if you can spare 30 minutes.
I’ve sat in ceremonies, gone on meditation and yoga retreats, listened to all the books, and had countless sessions with mystics and energy workers. I even know a lot of the popular modern self-help “gurus” personally, as I’ve worked in the industry for almost a decade. So to hear that I wasn’t self-loving, when I’d been in such pursuit of self-actualization, was quite a surprise to me.
The first time I saw my coach — on New Year’s Day 2023 — she asked me about my spiritual background. Since this was my zone of genius, I was THRILLED to rattle off all I understood about God, the universe, my charts, religious upbringing, my personal patterning, goals, and blocks. After I finished, she seemed excited, but not because of anything I said…
During our second session, we sat quietly on Zoom with our eyes closed. “Let’s just focus on being,” she said. At first, I felt a little awkward. I kept opening up one eye to see if we were done yet. She asked me what I noticed.
“My breath!” I said, repeating what I knew to be an important part of the meditation process.
“No, not that… just keep going.”
After about 40 minutes, my mind quieted, and I started to feel at peace.
“I had been chasing change, instead of connection.”
“There’s been a shift,” she said, the exact moment I dropped in. This was the beginning of my self-love journey — learning to “be” with myself instead of constantly analyzing or trying to improve. This was the moment I started to realize that I had been chasing change, instead of connection.
Learning to sit with it
I started attending weekly sessions, and the process was always the same. I told her what I’d been going through — what was causing me anxiety, frustration, fear — and what I was judging about other people. One by one, we’d sit with my feelings, and I started to learn how to uncouple them from the situation, or person, that seemed to have caused them. My coach explained that every situation was just designed to awaken rejected aspects of me that needed some love — and “love” was the simple act of feeling, allowing, and being with whatever arose. Once I loved those parts of me, the situation lost its power, the feelings dissolved, and I could be intentional instead of responding reactively.
“One by one, we’d sit with my feelings, and I started to learn how to uncouple them from the situation, or person, that seemed to have caused them.”
Here’s an example: If a friend were mad at me, instead of agonizing over the drama, I’d start by identifying my present feelings. At first, maybe frustration — for being misunderstood — and beneath that, fear. Fear and shame seemed to be at the root of everything.
Instead of rushing to make things right, I realized I first needed to love the part of me that was afraid of being rejected, and ultimately, afraid of being alone. If I didn’t, any reconciliation would come from trying to soothe my fear rather than genuine connection — and probably not result in the best outcome.
“I first needed to love the part of me that was afraid of being rejected, and ultimately, afraid of being alone.”
After identifying that fear, I’d take 15 minutes to feel it — to embrace it, talk to it, sit with it, maybe cry it out, and let it move through me. I’ve noticed that on the other side of even the most uncomfortable feelings is peace. Only after that process could I make a calm, grounded decision about how to approach the situation.
As this practice has become more second nature, it’s turned into my automatic response when facing challenges. When an uncomfortable feeling arises, instead of overanalyzing it, dramatizing it, or rushing to fix it, I welcome it. And finally, the answer to the question “Do you love yourself?” has started to shift. And as I’ve started to become more and more self-loving — even of the parts of myself that aren’t perfect — my relationship with “self-help” content began to shift as well.
Finding wholeness
What I began to see was that while most self-improvement tools come from good intentions, our attraction to them often stems from the quiet belief that something about us needs fixing. We think, “If I can just stop doing this… or just change that… then I’ll finally be happy, confident, lovable, whole.” But the truth is, that kind of striving can only take us so far. Because when our desire to “be better” comes from lack, the search never ends — there’s always another flaw to fix, another version of ourselves to chase.
“While most self-improvement tools come from good intentions, our attraction to them often stems from the quiet belief that something about us needs fixing.”
What we’re actually longing for isn’t improvement — it’s wholeness. And wholeness doesn’t come from adding or subtracting anything; it comes from turning toward ourselves with love, exactly as we are.
That doesn’t mean we have to hold on to pain or patterns that no longer serve us. But in order to truly release them, we first have to feel them — to meet the emotions our circumstances bring up, instead of resisting them. Otherwise, we’re just rearranging our discomfort instead of healing it. Real letting go starts with love, not avoidance.
This idea reminded me of a poem that captures this perfectly:
The Guest House
Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
I love how this piece illustrates that everything we face is ultimately good — because each challenge is an opportunity for us to grow and align more deeply with our path and purpose.
The forward momentum of being still
This new mindset, combined with my willingness to truly feel my feelings, has been all I need to move through whatever life throws my way. I’ve even started noticing this in small daily moments — a stressful work email, a tense conversation, or a traffic jam can now feel like a teacher instead of a threat.
“A stressful work email, a tense conversation, or a traffic jam can now feel like a teacher instead of a threat.”
Naturally, as I’ve become more self-loving, many self-help narratives have started to feel dissonant. And as I embrace who I am more, there is less about me I feel like I need to change — and this shift has made me infinitely kinder to others as well.
The modalities I once enjoyed now feel like noise, distracting me from my center. I’m not saying I’ve stopped having fun with my friends’ astrology charts or that I’ve abandoned productivity altogether — I just don’t mistake those things for the path anymore. I’ve stopped making a “false god” out of anything outside of myself.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve been pretty critical in some of my closest relationships — and what I’ve learned is that I was just holding everyone else to the same impossible standards I held for myself. Freedom from that inner critic is one of the biggest unsung blessings of true self-love, and now I genuinely feel less critical and bothered by the world around me. It’s a good reminder that when you or someone you know is constantly criticizing, send some love. It’s in those moments when we need it the most.
These days, when I find myself in a spiral, I know the only way back is through the present moment. I take five minutes, close my eyes, and give my feelings the mic. No fixing, no analyzing — just being with what’s there. I guess that’s what breaking up with self-help really was for me: Letting go of the endless chase to become “better” and finally coming home to myself instead.
“That’s what breaking up with self-help really was for me: Letting go of the endless chase to become ‘better’ and finally coming home to myself instead.”
Because at the end of the day, I didn’t need another tool, book, or practice to find love — I just needed to stop running from the parts of me that were asking for it. And in that quiet space, where self-help once lived, I found something far more powerful: Self-love.
Grace Abbott is a LA-based freelance Brand & Marketing Strategist and a Contributing Editor at The Good Trade. She has a degree in Graphic Design from Parsons School of Design and is the founder of How To Go Freelance — a brand dedicated to empowering creatives to monetize their skills and build personal brands. Beyond work, she’s always studying a new spiritual modality, painting her bedroom a new color, practicing Pilates, hosting friends, or going on a nature walk with her chihuahua, Donnie. Find her on Substack or Instagram.
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