When I was a child, I didn’t have to do anything to feel present during the holidays. It just happened. From ages 4–7, my family lived in Queens, New York, where my father was completing his surgical residency. I can visualize my dad putting me on his shoulders to watch the Macy’s Day Parade. I remember my mom taking me to Radio City Music Hall to watch the Rockettes’ Christmas show and hearing the sound of their shoes tapping to the beat. I recall the cool, crisp air rising off the ice rink at Rockefeller Center and brushing my face while I watched the skaters. Being a child, each moment captivated and delighted me. I was fully present in my life as it unfolded moment to moment.
“I recall the cool, crisp air rising off the ice rink at Rockefeller Center and brushing my face while I watched the skaters.”
Fast-forward to grown-up life, with its accompanying pressure to make the holidays memorable. Whether it’s finding the perfect gift, making the best cookie ever, or decorating to the max, we strive to create Hallmark moments rather than savoring our actual experiences with mindful attention and intention. We may spend so much time imagining how we’d like things to go in our heads that we miss what’s going on in our lives — for example, baking cookies with your son or daughter and focusing on how they turn out, but not the magic of the moment with your child. Or, spending days preparing a meal for your holiday guests only to discover that by the time they show up, you feel depleted and don’t enjoy the meal.
As a psychologist, I’ve heard from so many clients about the difficulties this season brings up. As we head into the season, I wanted to share some thoughts on how to remain present, even as the holidays shake up our routines and stir up feelings and stress. 😌
What is presence?
For me, being present means being fully engaged in the moment, losing track of time. Some people call it “being in the zone.” When was the last time you were in the zone? What did it feel like? What were you doing? For most of us, it’s very gratifying and fulfilling to be in the zone, although it’s often challenging. So, if presence feels good, why don’t we do it more?
“For most of us, it’s very gratifying and fulfilling to be in the zone, although it’s often challenging.”
Simply put, because the environment we’re living in is designed to distract us. The average person is exposed to hundreds or even thousands of commercial messages every single day. Whether we’re on our laptop, desktop, phone, or iPad, everyone is trying to capture our attention. When was the last time you were in your car and got to your destination without noticing your route along the way? Or someone was speaking with you, and you didn’t hear a word they said? Or you ate your meal, and you didn’t taste it? One of these probably happened to you once or more in the past week.
Despite practicing mindfulness for the past 15 years, I still experience many “mindless” moments when my life is happening. That’s because it takes practice.
Being present is possible but not easy
Even with an environment filled with distractions, we can learn to practice presence. The more we put our attention and intention on the moment we’re in, the stronger our “presence muscle” becomes. Since the experience of being present to a positive or neutral event is accompanied by feeling good, this will make our behavior of “being present” more likely to occur again. Over time, this becomes more automatic and can develop into a habit that offsets our tendency to be distracted both externally with the messages that bombard us daily, and internally with our own thoughts and feelings.
“The more we put our attention and intention on the moment we’re in, the stronger our ‘presence muscle’ becomes.”
For the last 4 years, I’ve been participating in a 5K walk/run in Springfield, Missouri on the first Saturday in November. Usually, I’m preoccupied with thoughts and fears about whether or not I’ll complete the course, but this year I focused on noticing and savoring my experience. Let me describe exactly what I mean. Instead of worrying about how far I had to go, I paid attention to the sights, sounds, and other sensations around me.
It was a crisp fall morning with the sun just coming up as we started. I could hear the other participants happily chattering and the sound of athletic shoes striking the pavement. Bystanders cheered and rang cowbells when we came by. I saw the changing fall colors on the trees and the rustling of their leaves. The sky was clear, and the temperature gradually warmed the further we walked and ran. I could feel my cool, steady breath moving in and out of my body. Tuning into my senses helped me relax and enjoy my experience, rather than focusing on and worrying about how far I had to go. 🏃♀️
Body-centered practices to rediscover and reclaim presence
Over the years, I’ve developed a mindful stress reduction program that I call “Stress Less Live Better.” I start with three body-centered practices: In Simply Breathe, the object of attention is your breath, and the intention is letting go. In Soothe Your Body, the object of attention is your body, and the intention is to pay attention. In Savor the Moment, the object of attention is your five senses, and the intention is savoring your experience.
“When your attention starts to stray, and it probably will, just gently and lovingly bring it back to your breath without judgment or self-criticism, as it flows in and out.”
My program starts with these three body-centered skillsets because it’s easier to get out of our heads when we’re focusing on our bodies. We start with breath since it occurs effortlessly without us having to do anything. I tell my students: When your attention starts to stray, and it probably will, just gently and lovingly bring it back to your breath without judgment or self-criticism, as it flows in and out.
Pairing this with attention to what I see as the four pillars of health — sleep and rest, exercise, nutrition, and stress reduction — will ensure you have a good baseline to begin.
How to be mindful during the holiday season
Now that your body is starting to settle down, it’s time to put your rational mind back in the driver’s seat. Research indicates that we spend 80% of our time worrying about the future, 20% regretting the past, leaving little time in the present moment. During a stressful time like the holidays, we’re even more prone to drift from our present.
I frequently collaborate with Cristle Griwach, M.A., M.F.A., an experienced health educator, advocate, and health literacy expert. Together, we developed these six tips to quiet your emotional brain and re-engage your rational mind during this time of year:
1. In any season, gratitude is a helpful mindfulness practice. At the end of each day, think of three things you are grateful for. You could start a holiday gratitude journal or just make a mental list at the end of the day. The benefit of writing it down is that the list will help you preserve the memories. I find that looking back at what I was grateful for last week makes me happy all over again.
2. Over the years, I have learned to keep the holidays simpler, and I like it. Instead of too much holiday decor and too many presents, I decorate minimally, with intention, and limit presents to a few. My family enjoys this simpler routine that more closely mirrors the calmness and serenity of winter. We would rather fill up on experiences than things we probably don’t really need.
There is a wonderful Victorian tradition for filling children’s stockings that works as a gift guide for adults, too.
“Something to eat;
Something to read;
Something to play with; and,
Something they need.”
3. This is a great time of year to contact old friends. You could even mail out actual holiday cards, or digital cards, email, or make a phone call. Connect with friends and family and share memories together.
4. Engage in creative activities that you enjoy. Some people like to decorate cookies or wrap elaborate packages. If that’s not for you, try coloring, holiday decorating, or journaling. Whatever you enjoy. Throughout the year, I save clever craft ideas and then select a few to try during the holidays. It can be something as simple as a new way to wrap a package.
5. Make time to appreciate how much you have learned and grown this year. Look back on challenges you have met, skills you have learned, and obstacles you overcame. I bet that if you think about it, you will be pretty impressed with yourself. So, hats off to you!
6. Finally, treat yourself by doing something special just for you. It could be as simple as listening to your favorite holiday song, getting a manicure, or phoning a friend. Whatever you do, make it about you. By prioritizing self-care, we remind ourselves that we deserve to enjoy the holidays just as much as anyone else.
Once you’ve practiced being “present” during the holidays, keep this tradition alive throughout the year. Celebrate yourself and your life unfolding moment to moment. Not only is our presence a gift to our loved ones, but it is also a present to ourselves. Enjoy!
Dr. Diane Sanford is a women’s health psychologist specializing in empowering women through every stage of life. For 35+ years she has prescribed self-care and mindfulness to guide her clients towards inner peace and self-awareness. To achieve clarity and balance in her own life, her self-care and mindfulness practices include yoga, meditation, walks in nature, reading, cooking, spending time with loved ones, and playing with her 20-month-old grandson, Cameron. You can visit her at drdianesanford.com.
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