Two years ago, I moved out of the house where I lived for 31 years. It was, of course, so much more than just a house, it was a home, full of the memories and milestones that shaped me.
It was the home where my ex-husband and I raised our two daughters, became empty nesters, and I resided alone for 7 years. The home where I knew my neighbors and felt completely safe. A university town that was totally walkable and full of charm — complete with tree-lined streets and older homes, including ours, which was just 2 years shy of 100 years old when I reached the decision that it was time to move out. Nearing retirement, the thought of a large financial investment in remodeling my home both inside and out, combined with the mental and emotional energy it would take, was too much. I decided I would be better off with a newer home.
“Two years ago, I moved out of the house where I lived for 31 years. It was, of course, so much more than just a house, it was a home, full of the memories and milestones that shaped me.”
So, I chose to look for a home near where my older daughter lived. She was pregnant with my first grandchild, and I thought that this would be a perfect transition to working less in my psychotherapy practice and having more personal time for my friends, my family, my soon-to-be-born grandson (and myself!). Even though she and my son-in-law were just 45 minutes west of where I lived, the openness and less city-like feeling of being “out there” appealed to me. I also thought it would bring final emotional closure to my divorce because this home would be mine and mine alone, not the home I’d shared with my daughters’ dad, which held so many memories of us and our family.
When the lot I had been looking at in the neighborhood I wanted to live opened up, I grabbed it. I had no idea what was involved, which was probably better for me because otherwise, I would have bolted. I’d never imagined building a home or thought I’d be doing it later in my life. The experience was unlike any I’d had before but similar to other major life changes I’d experienced with the physical upheaval, emotional ups and downs, and mental worry and stress. Still, it was a new experience. You don’t know what you don’t know until you do.
After going through my own move, I’m sharing some hard-earned lessons about how the relocation process affects us psychologically, some stories from my own experience, and tips for how to weather change while tending to your mind and body.
How circumstances, choice, and coping with change affect relocation
As with any life experience, the circumstances that prompt you to relocate are significant in how you respond psychologically. Often, we move for a specific reason — for a school we want to attend, a job opportunity, to be closer to family, or moving in with someone. If we feel positive about this change and we’re looking forward to this next step in our lives, we’re more likely to cope better and have a smoother adjustment. Other reasons we might move include divorce, job loss, or downsizing. Sometimes, our circumstances can affect us more negatively and intensify feelings of loss, distress, sadness, and fear — but these will increase or diminish over time depending on other factors and how we typically respond to changes.
“The circumstances that prompt you to relocate are significant in how you respond psychologically.”
When I moved to Oklahoma City for my clinical psychology internship, I knew this was where I could get the best training for what I wanted to do. I was younger and excited — and it was an easier transition, in the scheme of things. Plus, it was my choice.
Whether you have a choice about the move you’re making equally influences your thoughts, feelings, and psychological adjustment. When companies reorganize and people are let go or forced to move in order to keep their jobs, this can make relocation more challenging. Following a divorce, the person who moves out may have a harder time and feel more negatively about finding a new place. Over the past 10 years, many weather-related crises have destroyed people’s homes and communities, displacing them and forcing them to move out. Military families frequently move because they are required to. Even with choice, it can be difficult to cope with the psychological impact of moving, the losses we feel, and the expected and unexpected situations we encounter along the way — but certainly not having a choice can make us feel more vulnerable.
“Whether you have a choice about the move you’re making equally influences your thoughts, feelings, and psychological adjustment.”
Just as circumstances and choice are important, your general ability to embrace change is a factor, too. Many people, including some of my clients and family, will tell you how much they dread change. The thought of finding a new coffee shop or place to eat can make them uneasy, and transitions such as relocation, job changes, or having a baby can leave them feeling anxious or even depressed. The need to feel certain and secure about what’s happening can interfere with our ability to make a tumultuous adjustment to new life circumstances. Likewise, when life circumstances collide, most of us struggle more with change because it’s too much to absorb all at once. This is always the case when you’re moving since a confluence of factors is at play, from the smallest change of your grocery store or neighbors to bigger changes relating to job, relationships, and even a new climate.
With all of these factors at play, remember to be soft on yourself during a move and spend time taking stock of all the big changes you’re dealing with.
What you’re feeling is normal
The physical process of organizing and packing your life up is always depleting and stressful, even in the best of times! Moving is considered one of the top stressors on the rating scale of Stressful Life Events. Out of sheer exhaustion, emotions run high, fluctuate rapidly, and you may find yourself straddling the excitement of a new adventure and the anxiety-producing uncertainty of what lies ahead that all of us will go through.
“Out of sheer exhaustion, emotions run high, fluctuate rapidly, and you may find yourself straddling the excitement of a new adventure and the anxiety-producing uncertainty of what lies ahead.”
As part of the normal adjustment process to this major life change, you are likely to experience a range of emotions. For me, there were many losses to address. When I moved, I gave up my favorite coffee shop, the nearby produce stand I walked to, the salon I used that was 10 minutes away, and my 15-minute drive to Trader Joe’s. I traded my sprawling backyard, shrub-lined patio, and big front porch with a bench swing I could often be found on, for a much smaller yard and a small back deck. I walked away from the neighbors I’d known since our kids were young and the safety of a community of shared values.
However, the biggest change for me was that it marked my transition from being a mom, working full-time, and being part of an intact family to being semi-retired, becoming a grandma, being on my own, and saying a final goodbye to the life my ex-husband and I made together.
There was newness and uncertainty waiting for me. I had no familiarity with the area where I’d built my house or any clue how to get around. Although I was excited about having a new place to explore, I was overwhelmed at how different this neighborhood was from my other one. Besides not having any mature trees, half the homes were under construction, most of the lots on my street were vacant, and only a few people had moved in. At times, it felt eerie and threatening. On the other hand, I felt very thankful for the neighbors who were kind, thoughtful, and welcoming, which made me feel better. Also, the fact that I had two close friends and family nearby was calming, reassuring, and kept me from getting carried away with the anxiety of the unknown.
“There was newness and uncertainty waiting for me. I had no familiarity with the area where I’d built my house or any clue how to get around.”
While this is what happens normally as we adjust to the changes that moving inherently brings, if your emotional upheaval becomes too strong, lasts too long, or interferes with your ability to cope with your daily life for an extended period, you probably want to consult a licensed mental health practitioner. With your input, they can help you decide what steps to take to feel better.
Coping with the mind-body impact of moving
Whether you move a few miles away or thousands of miles away, it will take energy, effort, and persistence to get through. Going through your belongings, organizing what to take and what to leave behind, closing up your old place and setting up your new one, is not only a physical challenge but is likely to trigger feelings of loss and thoughts of uncertainty about what’s next. You might feel drained from the mix of emotions ranging from worry to curiosity to guarded optimism. Mentally, there will be much to think about and many choices to make.
“Whether you move a few miles away or thousands of miles away, it will take energy, effort, and persistence to get through.”
From my years of experience, I’ve found that simple practices can ease some of the stress and unsettledness. But remember to be gentle with yourself about them, and adapt them to work for you.
Sometimes we can’t pursue every avenue for self-care because our situation won’t permit it. When I was in the middle of negotiating the contract for my new home, I felt that I didn’t have the time or energy for prioritizing my health — at least, when I thought about some of my more intensive practices. So I had to scale down.
Look for 10–15 minutes a day or every few days to listen to music you enjoy, take a shower, sip a cup of tea, or play with your child or furry loved ones. These small moments add up and will strengthen your capacity to cope.
Simple tips for navigating a move:
Pay attention to your health
Like other significant life changes, relocation requires that we take steps to do what we can to fortify our physical health and emotional wellbeing.
“Do what you can to eat or snack at regular intervals 3–5 times a day.”
When I work with clients, I always focus on these four pillars of health: Nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress reduction. Do what you can to eat or snack at regular intervals 3–5 times a day. Exercise 2–3 times a week for 20–30 minutes, taking a walk or attending a fitness class in person or online.
Listen to music, a meditation app, or my online body scan relaxation to soothe your body and mind before you go to bed. Rest or nap when you can to make up for lost sleep.
The better you feel physically, the more emotional and mental energy you’ll build to cope with what you’re going through.
Do what you can ahead of time
Once you know you’re moving, start packing. Deciding what to keep, give away, or throw away can be emotionally challenging. I’ve found that the longer you wait, the tougher it gets.
“Deciding what to keep, give away, or throw away can be emotionally challenging. I’ve found that the longer you wait, the tougher it gets.”
Ask friends or family to pitch in. Having extra hands and someone to stop you from taking what you don’t need anymore is stress-relieving. Make arrangements in advance to have your utilities turned off at your old place and turned on at your new place. Reserve a moving van and crew or secure a group of friends and family that will help you move.
If you’re not moving too far, familiarize yourself with the new routes you’ll be taking, where you’ll shop for groceries, the school your children will attend, or the nearest hospital. Meet some of your neighbors. Learn as much as you can about your neighborhood.
Preparedness and familiarity can boost our ability to cope better with the newness and uncertainty of what we’re facing.
Embrace your feelings
Life is a mixed bag, and just when we think we have things figured out and our feelings sorted, it changes. Relocation triggers feelings of loss and worry, but also excitement and celebration of new beginnings.
“Life is a mixed bag, and just when we think we have things figured out and our feelings sorted, it changes.”
For me, the process of moving renewed my confidence in myself because it required me to rise to new challenges I’d not encountered before (e.g., negotiating my contract), and strengthened my sense of independence and capacity to navigate change successfully. Meeting new neighbors and deepening relationships with good friends who now lived nearby reminded me of my ability to form strong personal attachments and, knowing and trusting myself.
If we don’t allow ourselves to drown in the losses we’re experiencing, we will find much to celebrate in how whatever we experience is fodder for personal growth.
Be aware that change is a process
“If you expect yourself to adjust quickly, you are likely to be discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed. Be patient.”
Change is a process that occurs over time — and it’s about the journey, not the destination. If you expect yourself to adjust quickly, you are likely to be discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed. Be patient as you encounter the normal upheaval and adjustment to your situation. Especially if you’re experiencing several life transitions simultaneously, it will take time to adjust to them all.
Too much change at once is hard for anyone to handle, so focus on what is still solid in your circumstances and try to protect those aspects. Gratitude for your stability will allow you to better embrace the exciting new elements of change. ✨
Now that I’ve been in my house a little more than 2 years, I feel mostly adjusted. It took me over a year to decorate my house with both old and new furniture, artwork, and plants, but now it feels uniquely my own.
“I have weathered many ups and downs along the way.”
I have neighbors on each side that I see socially, and I’ve become much closer to my two good friends who live five minutes away. I feel very fortunate that I love my setting and enjoy cooler mornings on my enclosed back deck, watching the osprey and ducks playing in the pond behind my house. I can also see the pond from my great room and bedroom windows, which is tranquil and soothing.
I have weathered many ups and downs along the way. I feel relieved that I made it through, grateful I landed in a good place at this time in my life, and ready to embrace the adventure of what lies ahead. I wish the same for you.
Dr. Diane Sanford is a women’s health psychologist specializing in empowering women through every stage of life. For 35+ years she has prescribed self-care and mindfulness to guide her clients towards inner peace and self-awareness. To achieve clarity and balance in her own life, her self-care and mindfulness practices include yoga, meditation, walks in nature, reading, cooking, spending time with loved ones and playing with her 20-month-old grandson, Cameron. You can visit her at drdianesanford.com.
The post Relocation Can Be Hard — Here Are Gentle Strategies From A Psychologist For Your Next Move appeared first on The Good Trade.
