Every single one of us has internal scripts around money — whether you grew up wanting or with plenty, talking explicitly about how to handle it or not at all.
I don’t recall being taught much about money specifically, but I did know our family had unspoken values around finances. Cars? A new vehicle was a waste of money and dealerships were out to rip you off, so find the best used vehicle in the tristate area, and always utilize a reasonable, local mechanic to service it. Groceries? Shop the clearance meat section, and eat every last bite of leftovers. In general, we rarely bought new things, and if we did, someone would call it “fancy.” Overall, though, my general assessment of money was that there were good and bad ways to spend it, right and wrong ways to handle it — I just didn’t really know what they were. And that was what I carried into adulthood.
“Every single one of us has internal scripts around money — whether you grew up wanting or with plenty, talking explicitly about how to handle it or not at all.”
Whether due to cultural taboos, financial illiteracy, or fear of judgment, there are plenty of reasons we don’t discuss money in more specific terms. Money isn’t just about the numbers in our bank account — it begs questions about our status, our security, and ultimately our self-worth. It’s emotional, vulnerable, and can remind us of what we had or didn’t have growing up. Thought patterns around money are influenced by formative experiences, like how it felt to be teased for not having the right clothes in middle school. Deeper still, it can remind us of painful experiences like food insecurity, bullying, or whatever it is that you’re thinking about right now as you read this.
After graduating from undergrad, I applied to jobs for over a year, none of which returned my correspondence. I then moved back to Southern California after spending all of my childhood and adolescent years in the Midwest, and felt overwhelmed by the drastically different cost of living. When I saw my peers getting married and buying homes, I felt a profound guilt that I was nowhere close to this life goal — and I felt like I was doing something wrong.
“Money isn’t just about the numbers in our bank account — it begs questions about our status, our security, and ultimately our self-worth.”
After sharing a bit about this anxiety, a friend and mentor of mine sent me an article outlining how the housing market and economic landscape are drastically different now than when my parents were my age, providing context and encouragement that the burden of my economic status wasn’t mine alone to bear. I wondered what other financial anxieties I had that could be mitigated by a little perspective.
I feel incredibly lucky to have rich friendships in my life, with friends who I can talk to about anything, two of whom are from college and I’ve remained close to. We’ve intentionally tended to our friendship for nearly fifteen years now, meeting up in various cities across the country to reconnect despite living in different time zones.
On one such trip to Palm Springs, we sat around the breakfast table discussing our finances. A few months prior, one of them had started a group chat with several of our friends with the intention to share resources, ideas, and begin the conversation around money. We’d always shared generally about this area of our lives, but agreed that discussing more specifics would be helpful.
Over coffee and pastries, we disclosed specific salary figures, student loans, credit card balances, family support or lack thereof, insecurities, thought patterns, and limiting beliefs. Some of it was really hard to share — so much of it was such a relief to hear.
“Over coffee and pastries, we disclosed specific salary figures, student loans, credit card balances, family support or lack thereof, insecurities, thought patterns, and limiting beliefs.”
For the first time, I felt something unlock inside of myself. On one hand, this conversation was valuable because it was simply another level of vulnerability with the people I trust. On the other, it was the beginning of demystifying an aspect of my life that touches every part of it.
Together, we’ve endured many different iterations of life, religion, marital status, sexuality, health challenges, and heartbreak. We were in each other’s weddings, know each other’s therapists by name. They’ve seen both videos of me giving birth to my children, have sat with me on the floor of my new baby’s bedroom while wearing my postpartum pads, milk dripping from me. My point is we’re well-versed in each other’s vulnerabilities, and still, for me, sharing transparently about finances felt vulnerable in a way that nothing else had.
Since then, we’ve continued the conversation, and doing so is unraveling my ideas and hangups around money, revealing my thought patterns and habits that are both constructive and destructive.
We all agreed that taking the conversation from general to specific made it richer and more meaningful, just as doing so in the past with other topics had in our relationship. For example, there’s a huge difference between generally asking each other “Are you having good sex?” and specifically asking “Are you orgasming? Why or why not? How, when, how often?” (by the way, the answer usually involves a vibrator).
Talking about finances with people we trust is grounding, helps us orient where we are and where we want to go, and gives us essential perspective. Money, just like anything, is a learned skill — how can we learn it if we don’t talk to each other about it?
“Money, just like anything, is a learned skill — how can we learn it if we don’t talk to each other about it?”
These conversations helped fill in the gaps to the question each of us was asking in some capacity, which was How are people doing this? Being transparent about money is helping us all move toward personal growth and financial wellness.
In the years since then, we’ve shared various podcasts and book recommendations with each other, and come to one another for advice on questions we previously would have tried to figure out on our own. It’s inspired us to ask for help, pay off debt, change jobs, and take steps toward the kind of financial futures that will provide stability and an environment where we can thrive. One of us even made and shared an epic custom budgeting spreadsheet for each of us to use to track our spending.
You don’t have to be an expert — in fact, being open about the fact that you’re not sure what you’re doing could be the key to opening up the conversation. Are there a few people you trust that you’d feel safe talking through specific financial topics with? Do you have a budgeting spreadsheet you can share with each other? Maybe you’ve listened to a podcast, read a book, or gleaned some wisdom that would be helpful to share. Identify those in your life who you feel comfortable being vulnerable with, and start the conversation.
Kate Arceo is the Community Manager at The Good Trade. She has a Bachelor of Science from Evangel University and has over 5 years of experience reviewing sustainable home and lifestyle brands, as well as organic kids’ apparel and nontoxic cosmetics. When she’s not hosting dinner parties with her husband at their home in Southern California, you can find her sipping a latte at their local coffee house or shopping for strawberries with her kids at the farmers market. Say hi on Instagram!
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